Leaving the religion of your parents for the Orthodox faith quite often happens in two stages, at least it did for me. The first stage consists of stealth or secrecy. There is nothing conspiratorial or sinister about stage one. The desire not to share our initial journey usually happens out of self-preservation and the desire not to hurt the ones you love. Self-preservation occurs as one feels inadequate to answer the myriad of questions that are sure to come. One also preserves the sanctity of what is a heart felt prompting to quietly listen to the God who is leading you to a new path of understanding. In some cases, as was mine, my self-preservation was prompted by my lack of desire for relational conflict which I knew would come from my family.
Stage Two is the coming out party, which is anything but celebratory. The cat is let out of the bag and the relatives jump into action. Once having made the spiritual and emotional decision to leave the Baptist world, I knew beyond any doubt that there was no going back. I found myself in a precarious position. I loved my family, and respected highly their contribution to my faith in God and yet knew that there was more beyond where they had chosen to camp. This dilemma is wrought with pain and confusion. Separation anxiety is acute for you know your relationships will never be the same, still it is almost impossible to see the outcome. Be that as it may, you know you must move forward. Sample trials to appease your relations by going to church with them leaves you feeling barren and cold. You find you can no longer relate. Even the terminology that you once shared with your relatives seems foreign and senseless. There are brief moments where you entertain the possibility that, maybe, you are being deceived or rebellious. Am I leaving God? Are my relatives right? Why do I know more than they about what is right and wrong? Surely they have been at this spiritual thing longer than I. Who am I to say that my Journey is the right one? Then you come to your senses and God is there to meet you. You don't understand fully where He is leading but you know He is. You can't reason or rationalize, but you "know that you know" the path you are on is His leading. You aren't being led astray. You are being led by Holy Spirit on the path that is narrow and few there be that find it.
In the midst of knowing that you know, the ultimate trial comes: Manipulation 101. Your relations make it personal. Their language, demeanor and tactics change from that of concern and discussion to that of personal manipulation. They begin to cut ties using "or else scenarios" that cause you to choose between your new path or them, not that it isn't already difficult enough. One of my relations compared me with my other siblings and told me the story of another such wanderer who came back to the "right path" and got his life right. I was told quite often, "we are praying for you", when in fact I knew that they were praying against my decision. A newly ordained Orthodox priest that I know had to weather being disowned by his parents. Another friend was told by parents that to be around him anymore would condone his actions. Withdraw of love and communication is manipulation. It is wrong. It hurts, but the pain heals.
There are as many happy endings as sad ones. God is faithful in our obedience to Him that if we will leave father and mother and brother and sister for His sake and the gospel's, He will replace those relationships. Often, He restores the old ones as well. That is what we can pray as we continue our Journey To Orthodoxy. Many times God honors our faithfulness by sovereignly bringing those relations on the same path. It might be soon. It may take years. Little did you know in the midst of the pain that you were the forerunner for the salvation of their souls and their entrance into the Orthodox Church. My former minister, who tried to talk me out of becoming Orthodox, called me only a year into my Journey to inform me that he too was headed that way, He and his entire church. "Faithful is He who will bring it to pass." So when your relatives say they are "praying for you" just say, "Thanks! I'm praying for you, too" and mean it.
Stage Two is the coming out party, which is anything but celebratory. The cat is let out of the bag and the relatives jump into action. Once having made the spiritual and emotional decision to leave the Baptist world, I knew beyond any doubt that there was no going back. I found myself in a precarious position. I loved my family, and respected highly their contribution to my faith in God and yet knew that there was more beyond where they had chosen to camp. This dilemma is wrought with pain and confusion. Separation anxiety is acute for you know your relationships will never be the same, still it is almost impossible to see the outcome. Be that as it may, you know you must move forward. Sample trials to appease your relations by going to church with them leaves you feeling barren and cold. You find you can no longer relate. Even the terminology that you once shared with your relatives seems foreign and senseless. There are brief moments where you entertain the possibility that, maybe, you are being deceived or rebellious. Am I leaving God? Are my relatives right? Why do I know more than they about what is right and wrong? Surely they have been at this spiritual thing longer than I. Who am I to say that my Journey is the right one? Then you come to your senses and God is there to meet you. You don't understand fully where He is leading but you know He is. You can't reason or rationalize, but you "know that you know" the path you are on is His leading. You aren't being led astray. You are being led by Holy Spirit on the path that is narrow and few there be that find it.
In the midst of knowing that you know, the ultimate trial comes: Manipulation 101. Your relations make it personal. Their language, demeanor and tactics change from that of concern and discussion to that of personal manipulation. They begin to cut ties using "or else scenarios" that cause you to choose between your new path or them, not that it isn't already difficult enough. One of my relations compared me with my other siblings and told me the story of another such wanderer who came back to the "right path" and got his life right. I was told quite often, "we are praying for you", when in fact I knew that they were praying against my decision. A newly ordained Orthodox priest that I know had to weather being disowned by his parents. Another friend was told by parents that to be around him anymore would condone his actions. Withdraw of love and communication is manipulation. It is wrong. It hurts, but the pain heals.
There are as many happy endings as sad ones. God is faithful in our obedience to Him that if we will leave father and mother and brother and sister for His sake and the gospel's, He will replace those relationships. Often, He restores the old ones as well. That is what we can pray as we continue our Journey To Orthodoxy. Many times God honors our faithfulness by sovereignly bringing those relations on the same path. It might be soon. It may take years. Little did you know in the midst of the pain that you were the forerunner for the salvation of their souls and their entrance into the Orthodox Church. My former minister, who tried to talk me out of becoming Orthodox, called me only a year into my Journey to inform me that he too was headed that way, He and his entire church. "Faithful is He who will bring it to pass." So when your relatives say they are "praying for you" just say, "Thanks! I'm praying for you, too" and mean it.
I can relate to your story. We each need to make our own spiritual journey. Our parents and siblings and friends cannot make it for us. And their attempts to manipulate us are only hurtful. Thank you for your bravery in sharing this!
ReplyDeleteManipulation is often disguised by sincerity. Is a sincere manipulator any less harmful? I think not.
ReplyDelete