The Power Of "You" In Interpersonal Communication

Recently, in opening up my FaceBook to include a larger scope of "friends" (outside my own family members), I have noticed some who fail to understand the interpersonal communication dynamics involved in use of the word, "you". The use of this word, directed at another, has the effect of diverting the communication from the subject matter and making it a personal assessment of another's character, motives, emotions, or whatever the "you' perceives the person is saying. At this point, all communication is shut down and offenses arise. In any case, "you", directed at another, should be avoided in a public forum, at all costs. "You" has the power to cause offense and is readily interpreted as a personal judgement from the user. It can also cause public embarrassment and humiliation. The FaceBook user should remember that the FaceBook timeline is not a private chat room. If a more personal communication is needed the Message Tab should be used to privately talk to another. But, even in private communication, one should be aware of the negative dynamics involved in the use of "you".

From Preston Ni, M.S.B.A. in Communication Success

1. “You” language plus directives

Ineffective communication is often characterized by the use of certain types of “you” language, such as “you are...,” “you should...,” “you need to...,” “you have to...,” “you’d better...,” and “you people...”. Directives are statements that either pass negative judgment, or order another person around. Some examples of “you” language plus a directive include:

“You are not good enough...”
“You should pay attention...”
“You need to do this now...”
“You have to understand my position...”
"You better get it right...”
“You people should behave...”

Most people don’t like being judged or told what to do, and when we use “you” language plus directives, it’s easy to arouse in others feelings of resentment and defensiveness. This type of communication is also problematic in that it tends to invite a “no” response, resulting in disagreements and conflicts.

I have recently had the word "you" directed toward me. In the course of discussions, I have heard, "You are too tense" and "You are nitpicking". The first temptation that arises from one so singled out is to defend themselves against such accusations. But, to do so would be pride and a sin. "You" has the power to tempt someone to sin, and defeats our responsibility to "as much as is possible be at peace with all men." Apostle James tells us, " The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body."

We are to guard our hearts and our mouths, especially in interpersonal communication with a fellow believer. Knowing that  "you" has the power to burn another, is a good start.

The Forgotten Fourth Verse

Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand

Between their loved home and the war's desolation!

Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land

Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.

Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,

And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."

And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave

O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Public FaceBook Discourse

To all of my FaceBook friends- especially my fellow Orthodox Christians: FB is not a private chat room. Please use wisdom in your discourse. Asking about, discussing, or commenting on personal details about another individual is NOT appropriate and borders on gossip and rumor mongering. If you must discuss such things, use the private message feature. In this way your sin is just between one other and not instantly spread to countless others. Pray for me, a sinner.

Has God Ever Spoken Directly To You? Part Two

Should anyone forbid that God is as near to us as our breath? Should anyone forbid that He knows us better than we know ourselves and that every hair on our head is numbered? Should anyone forbid that the Holy Spirit is given to lead us into all truth, not only corporately but individually as the Spirit wills in our lives? Should any one forbid that "we have many members in one body, and all members have not the same office: So we, being many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another. Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us...?" Should anyone forbid that "They that worship him must worship him in spirit AND in truth?"

So, has God ever spoken directly to you? If not, then you must ask if you are truly in the faith and have truly received the Holy Spirit. The Spirit of Jezabel assails the church today- accusing those who would walk in intimacy- in friendship with the Holy Spirit, of being in prelest and deception. Truly, it is this false voice that is prelest and deception and would rob each Orthodox believer from a walk of faith endued with the  dunamis power of God. This false voice would relegate believers to only that which can be touched, tasted, smelled and reasoned. It would deny the supernatural elements of our faith. For the faith of our fathers is not natural- but super-natural.

Now, we are not talking about the doctrines of the faith or that which is unchangeable, nor the canons which are the guideline to conduct and church polity. These, too, are God speaking to the whole of the church throughout time. But, how does God speak to you personally? How does he lead you? How does he make you understand, give you insight in to a matter, show you whether something be of God or of the enemy? How does He draw you into intimacy with him?

"Believers receive knowledge of God by means of various and diverse signs, by hidden illusions, by reflections, by images, by hidden and inexpressible workings, by divine revelations, by dim flashes, by the contemplation of the purposes of creation, and by many other ways through which the faith of the believer is increased day by day and ascends to the love of God.

This is not all. Moreover, God also informs believers as He did the apostles, by the sending down and the presence of the Holy Spirit. They are enlightened more perfectly and are taught by the illumination, because God is uncreated and eternal and beginningless and incomprehensible.

Those to whom it is vouchsafed to be believers are able to think and to know and to state all knowledge and science and every word of wisdom and every word of hidden knowledge, indeed even the working of miracles and the gift of prophecy and diverse kinds of tongues and interpretation of tongues, helps and administrations of cities and peoples, and the knowledge of future blessings and the achievement of the Kingdom of Heaven, sonship and to be clothed in Christ and to know the mysteries of Christ and to know the mystery of His dispensation and simply-all things such as unbelievers are unaware of- these things are taught only by means of the Spirit.

What can be more unclean, do tell me, than to try to teach the things of the Spirit without the Spirit? What can be more vile than to fail to repent and cleanse oneself, and yet discuss the things of the Spirit with would-be knowledge and to desire to dialogue on theology and wisdom in the natural only? Because if he were not to have committed any other sin (something impossible), this alone would make him deserving of eternal damnation, because 'Every one that is proud in heart before the Lord is unclean' (Prov. 16:5)." [Saint Symeon The New Theologian- Theological Chapters 1, 195] 

Has God Ever Spoken Directly To You? Part One

Can Lay Persons Be As Holy As Clergy?

In my Journey To Orthodoxy I have heard, more than once, a reference to an idea that "only monks" can achieve certain things or that certain gifts of the Spirit or virtues are only attainable by those cloistered away in some cave, or by only priests or bishops. Brethren, do you not see what a false idea this is? Do you not see that such an unorthodox position is to thwart the power of Holy Spirit to equip His saints to do the work of the church?

"If you do away with tears, you eliminate purification. There is no one saved without catharsis, no one blessed by the Lord, no such one shall see God.

It is possible brothers, for all men and not only for the monks, for the lay persons to repent constantly and to weep and pray to God, and to secure all virtues. That this is true is attested also by John Chrysostom, the great pillar and doctor of the church, in his discourse on the fiftieth psalm of David where he states that it is possible for a person not only to have a wife and children and many servants and to hold much property and have mundane cares, but also to weep daily and to pray and repent, and to attain the perfection of virtue and to receive the Holy Spirit and become God's friend and to enjoy His vision.

O wonder of it all! That man is united to God both spiritually and physically, since the soul cannot be separated from the mind, neither the body from the soul, but man by virtue of this union, becomes essentially trihypostatic by grace, a god by grace, consisting of body and soul and the Holy Spirit of whom he partakes and is filled- a divine offspring out of the divine Spirit.

What can I say to those who love to be renowned and love to become priests and bishops and abbots, yet desire to entertain alien thoughts and assert that they are worthy of the trust of forgiving and binding sins?

When I see that they understand none of the necessary and divine things, neither do they teach them to others nor guide them to the light of knowledge, what else is this but what Christ said to the scribes and the pharisees: Woe unto you, scribes, for you have taken away the key of knowledge. You did not enter yourselves and you hindered those who were entering?"  [Saint Symeon The New Theologian]

Taming The Tongue 2

With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way. Does a fountain send out from the same opening both fresh and bitter water?…

3:1-12 We are taught to dread an unruly tongue, as one of the greatest evils. The affairs of mankind are thrown into confusion by the tongues of men. Every age of the world, and every condition of life, private or public, affords examples of this. Hell has more to do in promoting the fire of the tongue than men generally think; and whenever men's tongues are employed in sinful ways, they are set on fire of hell. No man can tame the tongue without Divine grace and assistance. The apostle does not represent it as impossible, but as extremely difficult. Other sins decay with age, this many times gets worse; we grow more froward and fretful, as natural strength decays, and the days come on in which we have no pleasure. When other sins are tamed and subdued by the infirmities of age, the spirit often grows more tart, nature being drawn down to the dregs, and the words used become more passionate. That man's tongue confutes itself, which at one time pretends to adore the perfections of God, and to refer all things to him; and at another time condemns even good men, if they do not use the same words and expressions. True religion will not admit of contradictions: how many sins would be prevented, if men would always be consistent! Pious and edifying language is the genuine produce of a sanctified heart; and none who understand Christianity, expect to hear curses, lies, boastings, and revilings from a true believer's mouth, any more than they look for the fruit of one tree from another. But facts prove that more professors succeed in bridling their senses and appetites, than in duly restraining their tongues. Then, depending on Divine grace, let us take heed to bless and curse not; and let us aim to be consistent in our words and actions. [Mathew Henry Commentary]

Heresy Hunting

In our effort to hold fast to the things we were taught either by world or letter, the true doctrines of the faith, let us realize that there is a difference between being an apologist for the truth and being a heresy hunter. We are not called to root out heretics! We are called to hold fast to the truth. This may require speaking and confronting, but we must take great care that public dialogue does not deteriorate to sinful discourse, conjecture, rumor mongering, and accusation. This is also harmful to the church!

"Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."

To The Antiochians

A timely message at this moment of decision. For all Antiochian Bishops, Priests, and Laymen...

Please read: Why we Left Where We Went- our decision to the leave the Antiochian Orthodox Diocese.

http://journeytoorthodoxy.blogspot.com/2009/06/why-we-leftwhere-we-went.html

Laymen Who Evangelize

Thoughts On Evangelism In The West

Do we get so caught up in church battles that we forget that our battle is for the souls of men? Are we more concerned with pleasing a personality rather than presenting the person of Christ to a lost world? I am still amazed when I find Orthodox people who are so consumed with the rudiments of the faith, their own personal "holiness" that they ignore Christ's commission to us to GO into the world and preach the gospel... Our churches/missions should certainly welcome local Orthodox Christians who find us - and those who leave the World Churches - but we, like Christ, must be about our Father's business- as the Apostles and saints before us- to take the gospel of Christ to a perishing world- to the unbeliever, the Protestant, the cultists. In the West we have a unique tool. Why do we not make use of radio? Why do we not make use of T.V.? Is it too Western? Not Orthodoxish enough? Smacks of Protestantism? Do we refuse to acknowledge the effectiveness of a form of communication just because someone else got there first or because that's not how they do it in the East? The media is today's street corner, today's marketplace. "How will they hear without a preacher?" People must know that the original church exists, before they can even consider stepping into a liturgy, where we all know that the purest evangelism occurs- in the life of worship. It seems all we do is talk to each other. We must change from an inward people to an outward people. The One, Holy. Catholic and Apostolic Church is not an elitist club. Our message should not be "prove yourself worthy or sincere before approaching the Holy Church." Our message should be "Come unto me ALL you who are weary and I will give you rest."