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Sunday, February 04, 2007

CEC World News

"Good evening. This is the CEC World News Report. I'm Harry Mouse. Thanks for joining us. Leading our top story tonight: the exodus of both priests and bishops from the Charismanic Episcopill Church. Joining us via satellite is Patriarch of the CEC, Gandolf Sadler. "

HM: Your Eminence...should I call you "Your Eminence"?
GA: Yes. You should.
HM: I 'll get right to the point. To what do you attribute the recent exodus?
GA: Well, Mouse, there was obviously sin in the camp.
HM: Whose camp?
GA: Why theirs of course. The bishops and priests that have stepped out from under my authority obviously have fallen into deep error and we pray for their souls.
HM: Your emin..emin.. Is it okay if I just call you "Gan" for short?
GA: Sure, we're loose here, but those who know me best just call me "Sad".
HM: "Sad"...uh.. Your Eminence, our sources say that your own, and I quote, "unbridled moral conduct", was the catalyst for the exodus.
GA: What's that?
HM: "Unbridled"? Well...
GA: No, "moral conduct".
HM: Oh. Well, moral conduct is when you live out your life in the view of others, preferably in a manner in which no one can rightfully accuse you. It has been reported that you abuse alcohol and drugs and that you..., forgive me your Eminence..., are a womanizer.
GA: That's preposterous! It was one woman and I was drunk at the time!
HM: I stand corrected. Our sources also say that you encouraged the parents of your parish to allow their children to smoke cigarettes as some kind of statement to society?
GA: Yes. I guess we showed them. This is God's Kingdom. We are beholden to no government intrusion.
HM: So you had your children start smoking cigarettes?
GA: We just sent up a few smoke signals, that's all.
HM: And you don't see that as a little bizarre?
GA: Bizarre? Where you from son? I'm from California!
HM: Of course not all of your Bishops and Priests are from California. To what do you attribute the fact that they met with you in an emergency council to appeal to you to step down and get some help?
GA: How'd you know about that?
HM: It's my job.
GA: They are all rebellious sinners I tell you! Turn Coats! Mavericks. To step down would have hurt the CEC and brought shame to the name of Christ.
HM: But sir, isn't what exactly what happened anyway?
GA: [cricket...cricket]
HM: Sir?... Your Eminence?... Gan?... Sad?
GA: I need a drink.

"When the CEC World News continues, we'll be talking with Swimmy Jaggart, the fallen Charismaniac pastor. We'll hear how his decision to NOT step down brought his international ministry to a standstill, decreased his church membership by 100's, and led him to get caught in two more subsequent trysts with prostitutes. And we'll ask him why the pop tune "Whoops, I did it again", has been such an inspiration to him."

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