Toxic Faith and Dysfunctional Families

At the end of my long Journey, culminating in newly acquired resolute strength to break free of my family's Toxic Faith system, I had an epiphany that every one in similar situations must reach-

It is okay to be angry with the ones you love.

Throughout my youth I felt a longing that there was spiritual life waiting beyond the religious faith in which I was raised. Believing my struggle to be youthful rebellion or an easily swayed mind, my Father wrote many letters to attempt to keep me on the right path- the Baptist path. Unfortunately, mixed in his words and intent of love were words of manipulation and guilt. What a fortuitous thing it was for me to have kept every letter ever written me since childhood, including his, for prior to that moment of epiphany I was able to compile my father's letters and reread them. There I found an easily identifiable theme:

"I know what is best, only I know what is best, you certainly cannot know what is best, so listen to me or bad will happen, not because I say it will but because I speak the mind and will of God for you."

Now, these particular words were never spoken to me, but the theme through the years had been ingrained in my soul. So now, at this point of decision, the conflict of deciding the truth or error of the theme was strong. The challenge was not in the realization that such a theme existed for in the reading of the letters its existence was clear. The challenge was in uprooting this form of Toxic Faith and dysfunctional family dynamic from my Psyche, from my soul.

After having read my father's letters and having seen my own family dynamic illustrated in the book Toxic Faith, I shared with a friend the process I was in. As I was telling him how my father had manipulated me and used guilt tactics and authority abuse, I said,

"But I am not mad at him."

His answer to me was one of the most spiritually transforming things ever spoken to me, He said,

"Why the hell not?"

He was right. It was at that moment that I gave myself permission to be angry with my father and my psyche and soul were liberated. I could love my father for what he had done for me, and yet not accept what he had done to me and for the first time in my life I could see the difference. I was free to hear God and decide matters of faith based, not on family expectations and fear of rejection, but on clear thinking and focused hearing.

Parents love us, but the transition to adulthood is gradual enough that many fail to grasp the moment when you have ceased to be a child. This is particularly dysfunctional in a religious family. For those who have guided us spiritually, and rightfully so, have the tendency to fail to recognize when God has taken over their role. A parent must pass from the parenting of a child to that of on-call voluntary counselor to an adult. The key word here is "on-call." A parent of an adult should give advise only when asked and a wise adult child will ask.

Soon after my epiphany, I was having lunch with a friend who was a professional counselor. When I told him of the event, he said.

"Congratulations. You have just become a man."

I was in my thirties, had been married for years, and had several children at the time. Toxic Faith has no time frame. It will not go away over night or when you turn 18, 21, 25, 30, 40... So, the choices are three: deal with it now, deal with it later or don't deal with it at all.

Our goal is not to change the erroneous and dysfunctional thinking of our loved ones, but to change ourselves by being liberated from the unhealthy emotional and spiritual control. The irony is in the fact that only in getting angry can we find the path to spiritual freedom and find the peace that has alluded us for so long. And,

We are free to love our family as we ought.

Take time to watch the author of Toxic Faith answer specific questions: